I really hate how I get caught up in things so fast. That’s one of the reasons why I got hurt so bad last time. But when a guy with morals, standards, and respect comes along, I can’t help but get my hopes up. He’s one of the few guys who has showed me that there is hope out there, not all guys are heartless. It also shows me how there isn’t just one guy who can make me happy, but I mean truly happy. He listens to me and tries to help me, and most importantly respects the decisions I choose to make. I’m going to take everything really slow though, that’s for sure. As time goes by I really hope we get closer. He’s different and stands out to me. :) I’m happy to say that I feel change coming into my life. Not just relationship wise, which isn’t THAT important right now, but I can feel myself change for the better. I’m going to try to get rid of bad habits, and do the best I can. It’s only going to benefit me in the long run, right? 

these past few days after dinner, me and my parents just kind of sit at the table and just talk. We talk about anything and everything you could possibly imagine. We have our serious moments, and we have our funny/immature moments, :3 i’ve learned a lot about them that have honestly changed the way I see them. I have so much respect for them. They’ve worked so hard for what they have today. My dad never attended high school because he joined the Mexican military. He got his GED here in the United States when his job transferred him over. My mom dropped out to become a bilingual secretary but eventually went back and finished high school as well as university. Now i understand why they freak out over school so much. This gives me so much more motivation to finish high school with the best grades I possibly can. I’m so comfortable with my parents now too, i can bring up anything i want knowing there will be an honest response to it. They know they can do the same to me too, and i will be really honest. i’ve learned that no matter the situation being honest with them is the way to go. I love my parents so much.. gaaahh c: 

i know what my parents are like when they’re high…. BECAUSE I SMOKED WITH THEM MOTHER FUCKERS.

i can’t believe this actually happened… like what in the actual fuck….

basically, i got in trouble last night for lying so today me and my mom sat down and talked about anything and everything. we had a “honesty hour” i guess you could call it. so she asked me if i did drugs or anything illegal.. i said no but later she told me stories about her childhood that blew my mind. i eventually told her i smoked weed, and how i did it and what i did when i was high. she asked me if i had any in the house and i said i had a bit left.. but that took me forever to actually tell her because i was scared out of my mind.. but she knew something was off and was going to raid my room even if i said yes. she found cigarettes, aderall and my weed.. 20 minutes later my dad got home.. i was pretty sure that my life was going to be over. after all the yelling, cussing, and crying out of frustration i yelled “YOU GUYS NEED TO FUCKING SMOKE DAMMIT AND DAD I DONT MEAN A CIGARETTE” my heart dropped to my stomach and i started to panic.. i couldnt believe i actually screamed that.. I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE my dad screamed and told me to go to my room while him and my mom talked. 30 minutes later my mom came into my room and told me that she was happy that i was honest with her and didn’t lie, and that i trusted her enough to tell her everything i did. at this point i looked at my mom a complete different way because of the stories she told me.. we walked back to the kitchen and talked with my dad. he wanted to know how i smoked the weed so i explained the homemade things i used. “show me. don’t tell me, show me how.” so i did.. sooner or later…he took out the weed… and his lighter… we went to the bathroom.. and.. got high…. I JUST CANT FUCKING EVEN- I SWEAR I CANT BELIEVE THIS IM LIKE SHITTING MY PANTS AND FUEHFEUASFJSDAKFHDNSAI OHHHMYGOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD I THOUGHT MY MOM WAS FUNNY WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK…. OH GOD MY MOM JESUS CHRIST I LOVE HER AND I THOUGHT MY DAD WAS CALM AFTER SMOKING A CIGARETTE…… HOLY SHIT FJHFIUFHKJFAKFJDFHUEI i was shaking so fucking bad.. i couldnt even control it.. i was drenched in sweat..as gross as that sounds.. i just couldnt freaking calm down at alll… even when i was high i was still shaking..  we watched tv.. but we mostly talked especially me and my dad. my mom made a strawberry smoothie it was delicious :3 except when it actually hit my mom hard she sat on the couch and stared off into space saying the WEIRDEST shit.. i remember the look me and my dad gave each other.. i didn’t see him as a dad at that moment.. it was so.. weird..freaky… i dont even know. 

my life is compete. but i’m grounded for lying to them for so long… I DONT CARE THOUGH I DONT THIS WAS SO FUCKING WORTH IT.  me and my parents are so much closer now.. :’) 

Who in the right mind, tells someone that they love them, that they still have so many feelings towards them and would be with them again, talk about how much they miss them, tell them how they wish they could see them again and have sex, and then go off with their GIRLFRIEND the NEXT DAY tell her that he loves her, wants to move in with her, and show them so much compassion? Tell me, who?! You are such a pig. No one has pissed me off more than you have in my entire life. How could you?! How could you tell me you love me knowing that you have a girlfriend?! WHY? Why do you do this? To hurt me? To make yourself feel like you’re the best fucking thing out there? Well, you’re not. If you constantly have to have someone there cleaning up your messes, and keeping you company until you get bored of them, then you are so pathetic. I’m done with you, and I mean it this time. You can’t always have the best of both worlds. Its either her, or me. But its okay you don’t have to answer that because I’m taking myself out of the problem. Don’t expect a single call or text from me ever again. I’ve blocked you so my stomach doesn’t drop every time I see your name come up on my screen. Ha, and you don’t even know that I’m doing this. You don’t deserve a “heads up”’. I’m leaving you hanging just how you left me hanging and confused. But I’m sure you won’t even care. I don’t need you causing problems in my life. I’m going to put my energy in becoming something of myself, in going to a nice college and pursuing a wonderful career. I can’t wait until I can prove you wrong and show you that I really don’t need you. Have a nice life with your girlfriend and I hope all goes well. Oh and one more thing, don’t be surprised if karma hits you in the face soon. Oh wait you think you did nothing wrong, my bad. Fuck you.

• i can dance
• bong rips are always the best
• drinking makes me pee like a fucking pregnant lady 
• i’m not as awkward as i thought at parties
• college people are the best
• i throw up when im nervous or scared LOL
• making new friends is not hard AT ALL
• being little (as in short) at parties has its advantages 
• drunk old people are funny as fuck
• i am a fucking pro at beer pong

and lastly i learned that taking risks once in a while isn’t a bad thing. You should live in the moment and forget any bullshit you have, life goes on. 

i love how the moment i post, “stop lying, oh wait that’s never going to happen so do me a favor and stop breathing” you call me and ask me who that’s about. hmm, why don’t you look in the mirror you douche bag. 

i’ve decided that before this year ends, i’m going to try DMT. I want to go on that spiritual journey and face my fears. I want to learn more about myself and enter a new reality. 

Sometimes I wonder why out of so many people, life decided that I needed to go through this bullshit. What’s wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I really don’t know. I was the best person I could be for you. I was always there for you, I listened to everything you had to say, I did everything and anything I could to keep you happy. But that’s the thing, I did everything you keep YOU happy. Sometimes I forgot what being genuinely happy felt like. I worked so hard to be the person you wanted me to be, that I almost lost myself. I felt like everything was fine because I thought I actually had something there for me. I thought I actually had someone else that cared about me. Now that we’re through, I realized that you were never actually there. You never really cared about me. You used me. You only stuck around because I told you things you wanted to hear, I gave you things that you couldn’t get from anyone else, I did things for you that no one else would. Why? Because everyone around me saw you for the real person you were. You were a liar, a manipulator, and most of all, you had a big ego. You thought you were the baddest thing out there, and could get anything you wanted. And you want to know why? Because I made you feel that way, and when i’m not there you just go to another girl for that attention. Once that girl realizes how fucked up you are she leaves and you’re left alone. That’s when you come back to me, and try anything and everything to get me back in your life. To get that attention back knowing I won’t leave you. Because you very well know how much I fucking care. You know how much I really love you. You used that to your benefit. You disgusting fucking liar. How could you play someone like that? Tell me, how do you tell someone that you love them, how bad you want to be with them and then leave them? I thought nobody was ever going to be as good as you were. But once I found out about all your lies you told me, all the girls you cheated on  me with, I realized how much time I wasted on you. You lied to me for three years. You used me for three years. It took me fucking three years to realize how unfair everything was. It took me three years to actually see you for the liar you really are. I feel pathetic, used, hurt, pissed, annoyed and so many other emotions that I’ve just become numb. No one will ever hurt me as much as you did ever again, I won’t let them. 

So today at church, I completely spaced out. I sat and thought about everything that’s happened to me lately. The Guy sitting behind me noticed that I didn’t do anything but sit, and stand there. After mass was over, I walked outside to wait for my mom. The Guy came over to me and asked me why I didn’t participate. I replied, “I just didn’t feel very well today.” And then he proceeded to tell me that if I come to church I should actually pray and participate with everyone else in worship. He also told me how I’m going to hell for disrespecting the all mighty lord Jesus christ. And then my parents wonder why I hate going to church so much. Fuck you.

you’re nothing but a compulsive liar, a cheater, a player, a jerk, insecure, and an attention whore. i stood up for you, i talked nothing but great things about you, i let you take control of me, i let you change me. i gave you everything i had, i was always the one who no matter what happened i was there. i forgave you, i gave you more than a second chance. you manipulated me and used me.  you fucking used me. i feel so dirty, i feel so.. broken. the truth comes out eventually though, no matter how long it takes. i know every single lie you told me, i know every girl you talked to, i know everything you said about me, i know everything. you go around and mess with people’s feelings. you think it’s fun, you feel great when a girl gives you all her attention. this is what you do; you say/do something that upsets “your girl”, she reacts to it, and you make her feel like she’s the one who’s wrong. you make her feel like you will always be right. once she believes that, you feel superior.  you feel like you’re the greatest human being on planet earth. you start feeding her countless lies, say things she’s going to love to hear. once you have her wrapped around your finger you play her. you’re sick, you’re fucking sick. i hope one day you realize how bad you not only hurt me, but every other girl you played. i hope i’m the last girl that deals with your bullshit for 3 fucking years. no one should go through the pain i will, and did go through. 

I can’t believe i dealt with your shit for 3 years. It took me 3 years to realize how unhealthy this relationship was. You fed me lies, and I believed you. I trusted you, I loved you, I cared about you so much. But what did you do? You cheated, again. I was so stupid and naive to let you back into my life after you did it the first time. You took advantage of that too, of me. I could never say no to you. You knew that, you knew that I would forgive you and move on. Guess what? This time, I ended it with you. I’m the one who’s not going to reply, and i’m the one who’s not going to take you back. You’re sick. You gave up a girl who gave you so much, for one you don’t even know. 4 days, four fucking days and you call her yours. You’re pathetic. I feel bad for her, I feel bad because she doesn’t know the shit you’ve put me through. She doesn’t know what you just did to me. And guess what? People don’t change. You’re not going to change, you’re going to try to change her. Just how you tried to change me. When I said that I was done, i meant it. So don’t expect another chance. You don’t deserve anyone.